third time's a charm
ok i know, i'm the loser who has nothing better to do than sit at my computer and post things on here all the time. what can i say, your comments and ideas are fabulous and motivating and i get excited. (but more of you should be getting involved here! hinthint...!) but at any rate, if for no one but matt to whom i am eternally grateful for the feedback, here's the latest revision which i think i'll sit with for awhile. we all know a poem is never finished, but i think this one is finished for now. -ktb
at 10pm i’m still in canada
i should be converting
kilometers to miles, but
the trucks keep riding close
behind me, flashing their brights,
and all i can think of
is you, yesterday, converting
the physics of lightning into
poetry over long island iced
tea, billy collins, citronella.
candle’s smoky glow rose from mountainside
bar patio, matched orange heat
lightning, you appropriately read
moon (it was full) came alive
with every image, alliteration,
consonance. i tried to stir
ice in my glass, catch
your reflection in crystal cubes, not
let on that i noticed
the way you only looked at me
when you spoke, told stories,
suggested i read next.
i wanted to stay, let the storm
roll in, the rest of the bar disappear, leave just
me and all i can’t leave
behind (you) to melt under summer
rain, pine breezes, full moon and poetry
lightning where neither kilometers
nor miles could separate, we
could be poetry.
at 10pm i’m still in canada
i should be converting
kilometers to miles, but
the trucks keep riding close
behind me, flashing their brights,
and all i can think of
is you, yesterday, converting
the physics of lightning into
poetry over long island iced
tea, billy collins, citronella.
candle’s smoky glow rose from mountainside
bar patio, matched orange heat
lightning, you appropriately read
moon (it was full) came alive
with every image, alliteration,
consonance. i tried to stir
ice in my glass, catch
your reflection in crystal cubes, not
let on that i noticed
the way you only looked at me
when you spoke, told stories,
suggested i read next.
i wanted to stay, let the storm
roll in, the rest of the bar disappear, leave just
me and all i can’t leave
behind (you) to melt under summer
rain, pine breezes, full moon and poetry
lightning where neither kilometers
nor miles could separate, we
could be poetry.
posted by KTB at 1:24 AM | Permalink
3 Comments:
KTB,
You are a trooper with this poem! High five gal! There is so little left to say, and so much left to experience in this poem, that I am going to make just a few nitpicky comments that may or may not help the poem. They are your call, but I know new options or ideas always help me rethink my poems.
In the Stanza One, consider changing the 5th line to "...can think of is you / yesterday..." 'You' is a much stronger word than 'of' and yesterday will continue the momentum of the previous line. Also consider keeping "long island iced tea" together on one line. This could go either way, but it is a single phrase. but 'long island' and 'iced tea' are easily used alone, so if you break maybe breaking with the two. Downside to the break: 'long island / iced tea..." could be an unimplied meaning. This line break could go so many ways, just consider what conveys your scene the strongest.
As the beginning of stanza 2, make it start 'a candle' or 'the candle' or something like that. I get stuck on that beginning and need to re-read. Don't let me do that, especially with something that follows like "smoky glow from the mountainside" which is so wonderful that it make me see most beautiful images of a dark indigo night with a valley, a deck and distant glowing faces, sparking love or possibly fading love and it all happens like i am on some wonderful drug that makes me experience life in profound ways.
Shortly after, your amazing flow breaks on "matched orange heat / lightning." I feel this, but for a poem so rooted in making such realistic images as candles, drinks, patios, and lighting come alive, this phrase doesn't match the flow because of its abstractness. I would suggest a metaphor or analogy of something like the candle wick or something the candle makes visable or apparent in the darkness relative to the lightning and the heat.
"Poetry lightning" might provide better rhythm as 'poetic lightning'. Read it aloud through this section to see.
One thing I do miss from the old version of the poem is the line "When I breathed that last line / of lost love..." It speaks so much. It shows me that there is so much left unsaid between these two people that is too difficult to communicate. I want to continue to feel that desire to communicate what cannot be communicate. I am curious why you removed it, perhaps it no longer fits. I just really felt that line.
One final thing, put something after "could separate" such as "us" or maybe a poetic term that resembles the relationship such as "stresses", "irony", "iambs" give something a try though, I think it may really make your home run of a last line a grand slam!
Thanks for the revisions, it is great to see a poem move from one place to another like this, espcially a poem like this one!
And by the way, such a "loser" who vigilantly lives in her poems the way you have with this one so continuouly, give me a lot of respect for you. Keep with it gal! Be STRONG!
With poetic love for your poems,
Hadji the wonder cow!
hadji, you have no idea how grateful i am for you these days... every time you leave me feedback it is invaluable. you invest so much in little me and my poems (and all of ours) and i will forever be in debt to you. thank you thank you thank you. (p.s. i pulled out your 'literary adventure' packet the other day and relived my coffeehouse experiences, drank from my stolen kletz mugs, and remembered how i nearly cried when you gave me that gift. again, grateful.)
i will have to read your comments more carefully with the poem in front of me and consider it all. but in the meantime, a question. (that anyone is welcome to answer, by the way!) karen feels the poem ends after "suggested i read next", but i just can't let some parts of the third stanza go. anyone else have thoughts? should i consider rearranging things? taking that third stanza (and other parts i previously cut out maybe) and putting them in a different poem altogether? i feel like just stanzas 1 and 2 as they stand now aren't enough, unsatisfied. but of course i trust my roomie's opinions. i don't know... anyone have a thought?
rather than start a whole new post, i thought i'd try this and see if anyone notices and comments further. here's the latest draft (i can't get away from working on this damn poem...)
at 10pm i’m still in canada
i should be converting
kilometers to miles, but
trucks keep riding close
behind me, flashing their brights,
and all i can think of is you,
yesterday, converting physics
of lightning into poetry
over long island iced tea,
billy collins, citronella.
the candle’s smoky glow rose
from mountainside patio, matched orange
heat lightning. you appropriately read
moon (it was full) came alive
with every image, alliteration,
consonance. when you read that last
line of lost love, i knew
i wanted to stay. let
the storm roll in, the rest
of the bar disappear, leave just
me and all I can’t leave
behind (you) to melt under summer
rain, pine breezes, full moon,
poetic lightning.
i wanted that loud
hit by a semi truck type of love,
but silently tried to stir
ice in my glass, catch
your reflection in crystal cubes, not
let on that i noticed
the way you only looked at me
when you spoke, told stories,
suggested i read next.
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