New poem from Siddie! I haven't written in so long... anything decent that is... and I would really love some feedback from you experts. I am also graduating in a week, so any advice you have in that department would be appreciated as well!! :)
walk home. 4 am in my
pocket. rain. streetlight. smells
like doughnuts. alone except
10-speed biker, darkly dressed. this
is where I find you. spanish
guitar, las canciones mas tristes. I
return. hands in your pockets. fingers
fidgeting with forgotten palabras.
invented amor. I imagine this
dewy night-morning in Cuba, walking same
shining streets. mundo nuevo valiente.
your face there too. I reach
el extremo. you will always
walk on. solamente junto,
junto, solamente.
I've never used a different language in poems before. I don't even speak Spanish. I was going somewhere else with the poem and then I turned on the Motorcycle Diaries soundtrack (you all should see the movie, it's phenomenal) and decided the poem needed a more beautiful language.
If this helps the reading, here are the translations.
las canciones mas tristes = the saddest songs
palabras = words
amor = love (obviously)
mundo nuevo valiente = brave new world (I've also been reading The Tempest a lot)
el extremo = the end
solamente junto, junto, solamente = alone together, together, alone
walk home. 4 am in my
pocket. rain. streetlight. smells
like doughnuts. alone except
10-speed biker, darkly dressed. this
is where I find you. spanish
guitar, las canciones mas tristes. I
return. hands in your pockets. fingers
fidgeting with forgotten palabras.
invented amor. I imagine this
dewy night-morning in Cuba, walking same
shining streets. mundo nuevo valiente.
your face there too. I reach
el extremo. you will always
walk on. solamente junto,
junto, solamente.
I've never used a different language in poems before. I don't even speak Spanish. I was going somewhere else with the poem and then I turned on the Motorcycle Diaries soundtrack (you all should see the movie, it's phenomenal) and decided the poem needed a more beautiful language.
If this helps the reading, here are the translations.
las canciones mas tristes = the saddest songs
palabras = words
amor = love (obviously)
mundo nuevo valiente = brave new world (I've also been reading The Tempest a lot)
el extremo = the end
solamente junto, junto, solamente = alone together, together, alone
posted by Anonymous at 12:56 PM | Permalink
2 Comments:
siddie! my brain is a little fried from writing papers about poetry... ugh... but i'll try to give you a little helpful feedback at least.
first of all, i love it. :) now with that out of the way... the short choppy phrases at the beginning are really effective. i think i do that alot in my own writing, which is probably why i like this so much. "4 am in my pocket" is fantastic. the line breaks at "smells" and "except" are effective too. it makes me feel tired and wet and dragging myself home in the rain at 4 am. mission accomplished there.
then all of a sudden you transport us to this alternate world with the spanish guitar, and this magical morning in cuba. i don't speak spanish, but i think your use of the words is great. it adds alot of atmosphere and tone, and the words you chose i can either assume their meaning or it doesn't really matter. the whole scene is like a dewy dream.
i think it's a beautiful, concise, well done poem sid. you could expand in the middle, give us a little more of that fantastic stuff. but i think it works ok as is too.
i love the ending with the spanish words, but when you translated it, i wished i had known those ones. alone, together, together, alone. such a haunting ending. i wonder almost if you could say it in english and then in spanish? i don't know, maybe it's ok as it. try it, see what you think.
love you sid! love the poem! :)
Siddie, it took me so long to figure it out, but there is something just plain sexy about using other languages to propell an english poem.
Post a Comment
<< Home