Saturday, January 08, 2005

because I wrote this just before reading Will's entry, here goes:


I kissed your mouth, your back
is that all you need? -Damien Rice

Please do not check me
off your scavenger list, that hunt
for experiences you need
to win at life. I lost

my nerve when your breath warmed
my cheek late last night, when you
leaned close without warning.

This morning, I checked your eyes,
saw her reflection, not mine.
It was never my name

you wanted to hide in the lines
of your poems. I am just a check
mark on your list, kiss
a girl you’ll never see again.


Blogger KTB said...

aww mer, as usual, i love it. the quote, so good. (someone needs to copy me that damien rice cd!) you've got some fabulous line breaks. like "lost" on line 4, "you" on line 6, "check" on line 12. maybe consider breaking after "checked" on line 8? could have a nice effect.

i know you say it's a first draft, but it's a good one, for sure. honest and real. and the passion and hurt is subtle. i love that about your poetry. it's bittersweet without being bittersweet. ya know? always neatly and smartly done.

if you're looking to revise, expand, keep working... maybe more between stanzas 2 and 3. i'd like to see a little more build before the morning. not too much, you don't want to send it over the top. but a little more sensuality in there might fill it out well.

keep up the fabulous writing mer! :)

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